I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
