you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
