he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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