Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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