You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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