the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
