She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just gargled with NyQuil
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
