Have you finally orgasmed yet?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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