We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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