The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
