So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
