You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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