I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
