I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
