Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
