happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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