my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
