You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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