Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
