i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
