Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
