its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
