Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
