If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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