listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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