the new term for farting is butt boxing.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
