Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
