maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
