I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
