I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
