First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
vagina is talking i cant
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
