Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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