I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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