seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
