1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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