I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
