Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
