Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
