I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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