Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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