sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
