I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
