I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize