how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
