My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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