Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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