fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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