hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
