***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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