I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize