So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
