I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
