chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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