I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
