I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
