Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize